Can We Learn From Our Past?
On heartsight, heartbreak, what it means to re-alive, and how to keep going.
If we dissect it, can we learn from our past?
That cadaver made of memories, that map of mistakes, most of which turned out to be blessings.
And, if we follow their curves, will they lead us to insight?
Or heartsight? This is what I am after. Heartsight.
Or, do we just end up crawling on the kitchen floor with the fallen pieces of our past strewn about? As if we didn’t cut them from our own body to get a closer look. As if someone did this to us.
Like this past version of me as a blonde? Was I there? Was she me? Is she still? What was I yearning for then? Did I feel alive or was I trying to get woken? Or doing me best to stay alseep, or conformed?
Cadere, in Latin, mean to fall. The word cadaver is derived from this. Its etymology refers to soldiers who died in battle: the fallen.
I used to believe we could learn from our past, that I could.
Yet, here I am. On the kitchen floor, pointing at each memory and mistake/blessing, going That’s not mine, and that’s not mine, and that’s not mine. As if my ability to deny ownership could somehow undo past events of my life.
As if this refuting would allow me to emerge from battle unscathed from hurt, shame, loss, sorrow.
But also: unscathed from love.
You sure as shit can lessen your chances at hurt, shame, loss and sorrow by not allowing love in, or out. You can. No one is going to stop you.
I imagine it’s a terrible way to live but no one said that it wasn’t an option.
And still, you will not be unscathed.
What is heartsight, anyway? Is there such a thing? (You don’t really need to ask that because you know the answer in your- would it be too “on the nose” if I said heart?
You know it in your heart that it exists because, as much as you’ve been shy to admit your heart has eyes, you’ve felt it! You’ve had it guide you in ways that bypass all vision, logic, brain messaging, sense. And it didn’t steer you wrong.
Or, if it did, it steered you to love. Even if that love didn’t work out as you’d hoped- it wasn’t “wrong” because love is never wasted, so you know your heart has sight.
I pick up one or maybe two past-pieces off the floor and admit, Yes, I was there. Yes, this happened. Yes, this is mine.
Then, I gather them up all up in my arms, because admittedly, I know better. We can’t cherry pick our history according to what we wished would have happened or what we think should have happened. I know this, but I try and get away with it.
Until that is, I catch the face of denial in the reflection of the dishwasher and it’s my own face.
It’s a more red-faced me, and the eyes dart around like they’ve been caught lying to themselves.
I rearrange all of the pieces, there on the counter. I line them up next to unopened mail and bananas gone brown and I try to learn my lessons.
See? If you do this again, X, then Y will happen, according to the past.
See? This is where you went wrong, so if you don’t do that again, according to what happened in the past, then you will be all right.
I am a slow learner, but it dawns on me that all I am doing with this method is teaching myself how and what to avoid.
We can live that way, too. A life of Don’t Go There! Avoid At All Costs! We can, but how miserable-as if we are locked in a landmine and our lot in life is only to decipher where to step and where not to.
I understand this is a trick. That if I think if I just do it differently this time, it’ll turn out exactly how I want it.
What happens if it doesn’t turn out how we want it to? Do we blame it on our past, since that is what told us which was to go? Tricky terrain, isn’t it?
So, what does it really mean to learn from our past?
The rest is beyond the paywall but I’ll share with you what I think it means to learn from our past and how to do so.
Your Big Leap Year
If you are a paying subscriber or founding member, I offer free workshops for y’all. First up, is with the legend that is Gay Hendricks- author of The Big Leap, which single-handedly changed the course of my life and got me to buy my house in Ojai.
His latest is Your Big Leap Year and we are going to have a blast chatting about that on Zoom. He is magic. This is such a treat! It will be Sunday, March 17th at 10 am pst, 1 pm pst. I will be in London so praise the gods of time zones I don’t fuck it up. It will be 6 pm there, Jen. 6! Write it down! I will send zoom link soon. Fear not. But again, paying members only so consider upgrading or donating/gifting a subscription if you are able. I told you there will be perks. Not blood. (That is a movie and a good one!)
You know you can reach out to me if you are truly wanting to be a paid member and cannot swing it. You know that. I have created an ecosystem where I try and make my stuff accessible to many, which is why your paying support means so much. Aside from allowing me to create without having to ENDLESSLY FUCKING HUSTLE BECAUSE I AM SO DANG TIRED OF HUSTLING MY G-D. (VENT OVER. WAH. FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS.)
And now, the essay continues below the paywall, containing all the secrets of the universe and how to be a millionaire from your bed and how to be your best self (ewww barf, kill me if I ever say that not-sarcastically. For real. Gross.) But, do keep reading. It means a lot to me and I want to hear your thoughts. I love reading them and I love you, ya weirdo. All of yous, as we’d say in Philly (where I will be going soon and taking my son to see my daddy’s grave. It’s been years. Sniff, sniff.)
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