I Have Not Failed. Instructions For When You Feel Lonely, And: Loving, Again

Except wait, I have failed at some things. Like getting my car registered on time. Plus: Weirdo Book club info & other goodies like retreats & upcoming in-person events

I’ve been MIA. Again.

Man,¹ it’s like I just.. go under. The unders I go:

• Underground (at least into my garage)

• Under performing

• Under the covers

• Under socializing (barf, I hate “socializing,” despite whatever story you may have made up based on how open or friendly I am. Socializing is barfy because my deaf ass makes it impossible to comprehend speech, ESPECIALLY when there’s more than one person

• Under wear (I walk around in them frequently, sans pants)

• Under layers of paint and deep blue powdered pigment that gets on everything, cladding all over my cat Kody. Sir Kody Kittenhead, if you want to be respectful

• Under water (proverbial, but also lots and lots of showers/baths because: balm to my soul

• Whelmed. Wait, I’m mostly overwhelmed, not underwhelmed so never mind,.

Before I go any further, I implore you (big word there, jennyjenp) to open up this typo-free email (sike!² like I would ever send anything out typo-free in the Substack app or a browser, rather reading it in your email app or you’ll miss the big reveal at the end and that other thing.

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Here’s an actual paparazzi photo. I can assure you they were not waiting outside the restaurant for me. Oh, to be Will in a world of will-nots. Who needs grace?³ 😉

I don’t have another way to explain it accurately. The it I speak of: going under.

I hide. I avoid (everything/everyone.) I exist entirely within fictional universes (universes created by authors that are obviously way better than me obviously.) I find evidence that I suck (see prior sentence.) I stew in said evidence.

I refuse to look at my phone or return messages, emails, register my car, et al. I go underground, or rather inn to my garage, where I hide out. All hours I’m in there making art whilst listening to audiobooks-thank the gods of technology for hearing aids. Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and the wee donkey, what would I do if I wasn’t able to stream shit right into my brain? The wee donkey only knows.

I am not drinking though. There’s that. A year and a half. I didn’t think I could go one day (truth, a hard to admit truth, but the truth, nonetheless.) Yet, here I am, sans booze since Nov 16, 2024. I’ll raise a glass paintbrush to that.

But don’t you worry (as if you are) I still find ways to disassociate, and I guess to self-medicate, as well- in a way, in various ways- but none that are harmful. I don’t think they are, at least. Mostly I just paint and make weirdo art. Weird is high praise my world world. Better hiding in my garage and making art/listening to books than ruining my liver and brain and drinking my face off, right?

Drinking my face off whilst remaining very HIGH FUNCTIONING, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. As if that’s a good thing, how I had everyone fooled.

This morning, I was telling my friend Kerry Neville, as we sat on my sofa drinking coffee, me in my underwear (duh) and she fully clothed obvi (she’s teaching writing workshops at my retreat in Ojai this weekend and if you haven’t read her memoir Momma May Me Mad, which we did as my first book club pick, I will break up with you), I was telling her just how telling it was that so many people, including many close friends, had no idea that I drank. Or, that I drank such copious amounts and so often (I.e. every day rainorshineorsickorwelldidnotmatter.)

I’m that good, man. There I go again with the man. But really, I am really good at hiding. In plain sight, too. Abracadabra!

I don’t want to be good at that anymore. Do you?

I am just so good at fooling everyone.

Where’s my medal?

I even fooled everyone into thinking I was a tall blonde. Kidding. But I did fool you all into thinking I had my shit together and that I knew what I was doing.

No I didn’t, did I?

I fooled everyone into thinking that:

• I was happy (what the hell does that even mean- happy?)

• I was never drunk (lol lol lol)

• I was a good mom

• I was a writer who wrote

• I opened mail/email/texts/made my bed, knew where my keys were, didn’t sit on my glasses and break them constantly

• I knew how to allow myself to feel (anything)

• I was successful

• I was confident

• on and on

And the thing is- well, there’s many things- but the thing/s is:

It’s worse than you think, they’re not thinking of you at all.

That quote is one of my all time faves. I say it daily to pull my head out of my ass and to remind me to get over me. Of course, they are sometimes thinking of us, but Hell no, people are not sitting around all day giving us that much energy. We are all too consumed with our own shit, such as thinking we are fooling everyone, and feeling alternately really proud of that and really ashamed.

And if they are sitting around all day giving us that much energy RUN THE FUCK AWAY, FAR, AND FAST.

I didn’t fool anyone, or even if I did- who cares, and also, there ain’t no fooling. May sound like. a paradox but so is being human, motherfuckers. (See book number 1 On Being Human.)

The few things I listed above that I believed I’d fooled folks into believing (there’s so many) are Bullshit Stories.

Oh, I fooled everyone into thinking I was a good mom.

Come on, Jen. Get over yourself. You are a good mom.

Why the sudden speaking in second person? Dunno, except it feels less vulnerable, I suppose. They’re all these self-pitying stories I (and probably you) conveniently find evidence for when I’m feeing low.

Cause that’s how it works: we find what we are looking for.

Want evidence that you suck? You’ll find it. Somehow. You’ll make something mean something. The something you find may (probably does) mean diddly squat, but if you really try (not even that hard either) you’ll make it mean I SUCK.

I open Proof Of Life with an epitaph. A poem of mine, which I think demonstrates this evidence-finding scheme.

Instructions for When You Feel Lonely

Open the window and scream.

When no one screams back

don’t go See?

as if silence is evidence that you are alone in the world.

You can’t use that quiet as proof of your forsakenness.

Look for evidence somewhere else.

Carve your name tiny fork in a secret spot.

Something to touch when you need

to remember that you are here.

Then, begin to sing and sing,

until birds land on the sill and flowers begin to bloom,

until your voice goes hoarse and you piss yourself with delight

at how off-key you are, at made-up lyrics,

at positively absolutely nothing at all,

the best kind of delight.

Then sing even louder,

until someone sings back.

And even then, don’t stop.

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What I also said to Kerry, as I sat in my pain-stained t-shirt and granny panties, was how, as an adult, no one cares if we think we’re fooling anyone, or if we actually are fooling anyone.

Just like no one cares if we’re lying to ourselves. So, we better start caring.

And, we better stop lying to ourselves about who we are and what we feel. And for Pete’s sake (trying not to curse so much so deal with Pete) WE BETTER START LETTING OURSELVES FEEL.

Why do you think I have the word ALLOW tattooed on my inner right wrist? Allow yourself to feel, Jen. Insert your own name there instead of mine, or that would be weird and I don’t mean weird in the good way like I usually do. It’s okay, you’re safe. Allow allow allow allow allow ad infinitum.

Anyway, all that to say, despite my protestations (is that the right use of the word?) that I am going to be super on top of things and more consistent, I have not.

Dear reader, I will not say I have failed, but I will say: I’ve been doing my best.

Doing my best and you know what? My best looks pretty darn good. It didn’t yesterday but today it does so how’s that for a reminder that sometimes all we need is a shift in perspective and a change of underwear.

I’m okay. You don’t need to reach out in a panic (please don’t) for proof of life. I don’t need to write See what I did there because you saw what I did there.

I am okay. Just been… meh. This whole not drinking thing and being here in my body is hard. Why didn’t anyone tell me??? Rude.

But it’s also amazing and I am here for it. All of it.

See? Still here.

Peek-a-boo. Still here.

Can’t get rid of me. Actually, you can. Easily. You can mute or unfollow or unsubscribe (just don’t announce it like you’re a damn airport)- but as for me, I am still here.

I’m here, even when I go under, or dark, or quiet, or MIA, or whatever you or I call it. And, I am making a lot of amazing art, which I have been selling a ton of. So please email me if you are interested in any pieces and/or I can email you some photos of some. I have an instagram for my art, which I need to update, but it’s @jenpastiloff_art.

I ship anywhere. Lie, I will not ship overseas because that shit’s expensive. The one pictured above is sold, sadly. Sadly because I love that fucker. Alas.

My retreat here in Ojai starts tomorrow. I can’t wait for the shenanigans. The next retreat in Ojai is Oct 15-18, so email as soon as your little fingers can type out my email (or reply to this but please change subject line to RETREAT) because that one, as well as Tuscany Sep 12-19 are almost full.

People always wait and then get upset when it’s sold out. Hangs head in shame because this is a thing I do.

This is our villa where we spend a magical week during the Sep retreat:

My email is jenpastiloffcustomerservice@gmail.com and write to me now if you want in on either of those retreats. If we’ve never met, please share something weirdo or awkward about yourself, rather than just asking me YO WHATS THE COST OF RETREET THX?

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• Our next WBC Weirdo Book Club Meeting is Sunday May 24 at 11 am pst with author Sonya Walger. Please, I beg of you- BECAUSE IT IS SO DAMN GOOD- start reading her novel Wifehouse so you can chat with her about ALL THE THINGS. You may recognize her from many t.v. shows, including Lost. I was a Lost fanatic back in the day. She is Penny from Lost. Said what I said.

• June’s Weirdo Book Club pick is I Would Die If I Were You by my beloved Emily Rapp Black. It comes out this Tuesday May 19th, which is my son Charlie Mel’s 10th birthday so I’d say that’s a good luck charm if there ever was one. Please pre-order now if you haven’t, as pre-orders really do matter so much. We will be meeting with Emily June 6. Zoom info for Emily’s meeting will come soon and Sonya’s for Wifehouse is at the end of this email. Please always show up to our weirdo meetings, even if you haven’t finished (or started) the book. I would not say that if I didn’t mean it. Just show up and be part of our amazingly delicious weirdo community and support an amazingly delicious weirdo author. K? Thanks.

• May 20th at 6 PM I’ll be at Godmother’s Books in Summerland, ca in convo with the incredible Oneika Mays for her book Sit With me. Come sit with us? (Geez, I’m such a dad with my sad bad dad jokes.)

• I am thrilled to be part of The Power Of Love Summit June 2-8, which I’ll share about below so you’re not just all what huh? Look, if you are anything like me, you may still be all what huh, but like I said earlier: did my best.

Some questions for you to ponder and if you are feeling any stirring in you with any of them, sign up for the summit. You’re welcome, in advance.

• What Would Life Look Like With More Love?

• When You Give More Love Than You Receive

• What If You Could Feel More Deeply Loved?

• What If There’s More Love Waiting for You?

I’d love to hear anything that comes up for you. This community is so lovely and such a warm weirdo and sense-of-humor-filled place to share.

Something quietly (or loud as f) shifts when love starts to feel hard to reach.
Relationships grow more distant, self-compassion gives way to self-criticism, the Inner Asshole becomes the boss of us, and the connection we long for (even unconsciously) can start to feel just out of reach.

That’s why I said yes to being a part of this incredible summit. It’s a free 7-day online event from June 2–8, presented by Wisdom for Life. It starts where so many of us actually are: longing for more love (in whatever form that may be), more connection, less hiding (hi, Jen), and a way back to ourselves.

Reserve your FREE spot here.

I’m honored to be one of the 40+ voices featured in The Power of Love Summit, alongside leading teachers in psychology, spirituality, trauma healing, and conscious relationships. We all, in our different unique weirdo ways, offer practical wisdom and insight into how love transforms every dimension of life. Fine, I speak for myself when I say weirdo. The rest of the speakers may not appreciate that moniker as I do.

Speakers include Tara Brach, Harville Hendrix & Helen Hunt, Sharon Salzberg, Kristin Neff, Nicole LePera, Rick Hanson, Justin Michael Williams, Gay & Katie Hendricks, and many more.

Some of the things we collectively guide you on will be:

• Healing emotional wounds and rediscover your inherent worth
  

• Cultivating self-love that quiets the voice of self-doubt
  

• Rekindling intimacy and genuine connection in your relationships
  

• Mending family ties, even when facing past hurt or estrangement
  

• Moving through heartbreak and old patterns with a deeper capacity to love
  

Throughout the Summit, you’ll also experience breathwork, guided meditation, journaling, dance, affirmations, a sound bath, and more. Plus music and poetry. I was sold at poetry, to be honest. #suckerforpoetry

Claim your FREE spot here. Again I put the link in again again because ADHD. I won’t assume you are like me, but just in case, I repeat things. I will read something and buy the end, nay, the middle of the email, I will have forgotten what I read at the top.

These 7 days offer depth, honesty, humor, and genuine insight into how love heals old wounds, strengthens the relationships that matter most, and returns you to a sense of wholeness- or at least closer to a sense of that- you may have been missing for a long time.

OH! Wait. One more thing: As soon as you register, you get 5 bonus gifts. I love me a bonus gift.

• Jack Kornfield & Trudy Goodman — When Love Meets Suffering: Turning Pain Into Compassion (Video)
  

• John & Julie Gottman — The Real Rules of Lasting Love: What Happy Couples Know and Do Differently (Video)
  

• Anita Moorjani — Sensitive is the New Strong: The Power in Loving Yourself (Video)
  

• Gay & Katie Hendricks — Making the Leap: Seven Principles and Seven Magic Moves (Ebook)
  

• Harville Hendrix & Helen LaKelly Hunt — The Zero Negativity Guide for Couples (Ebook)

Claim your FREE spot now and end scene. That’s the last time I’m telling you to claim your free spot because IT IS FUCKING ANNOYING.

PS- If you haven’t watched Love, Again, go to Lifetime and stream now. Bring tissues. You’ll bawl.

My guy is so good in it. He. Is. Just. Brilliant. Your mind will be blown, especially if you only know Henry (Czerny) from Mission Impossible and Clear And Present Danger and Revenge and things like that.

Valerie (Bertinelli)-whose podcast I’ll be on this week- and Eric McCormack are also perfect. And the director? David Strasser is so talented. Just get out of here with that mensch. Keep on eye on - he’s going far.

Some snazzy shots from the premiere, my yearly event of putting on actual real-life clothes.

I hate them all for making me cry so much and by hate I mean love. After decades of not being able to cry, it feels so, so good.

Like I said, I’m still here.

Feeling. Alive.

And, feeling alive.

It’s beautiful. The movie and feeling alive. Let me know if you’ve seen Love, Again or plan to but don’t lie because God will know.⁴

The big reveal at the end: you also have not failed

That other thing: I love you.

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WEIRDO BOOK CLUB MEETING

WBC: Sonya Walger’s novel Wifehouse

May 24, 2026 11:00 AM Pacific Time (US and Canada)

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/83735425779?pwd=2b1bF1M68taSv55baQ1Zl8waWpdRsS.1

Meeting chat link

https://us02web.zoom.us/launch/jc/83735425779

Meeting ID: 837 3542 5779

Password: wifehouse

1. I hate that I say man in this context, but I do. Woman just sounds weird.

2. Yes, I most certainly did just go there and bring back my 6th grade class most beloved exclamation. Sike (often spelled "psych") is a slang interjection used to indicate that a previous statement was a joke, lie, or prank, meaning "I tricked you". Derived from "psych out," it is commonly used to mean someone has been psychologically manipulated or fooled. The more ya know. 🤷🏻‍♀️

3. I’d actually love to give myself a ton more grace. And you?

4. Kidding. God won’t know. Or maybe She will. BUT I WILL KNOW.