This Giveaway Supports Indie Bookstores & Weirdly Involves Cholula Hot Sauce & Granny Panties

Also: 2 workshops this weekend. Art Of Receiving w/ Katie Hendricks For Paid Subscribers on Sat & A Virtual Brunch on Sun for everyone called "Weirdos For Life"

Do not Cholulua Yourself on this one!

Okay, so the giveaway doesn’t support granny panties per se, but I do wear them religiously. I’m not religious- except with my underwear.

I’m here for comfort, folks. Everything else can suck it.

And yeah, that’s my poem above. I’d love to hear your recipes. For anything.

My magical unicorn of a friend, Koa, snapped this ridiculous shot of me. I was showing her my panties (ewww, I hate the word panties- don’t know why¹) had lost all their elastic. Still, I was rocking them. With reckless abandon.

Welcome to The School Of Whatever Works. Just don’t intentionally hurt yourself or anyone else, ya weirdo.

That’s the whole granny pantie part. The giveaway has nothing to do with that. Except now, just for shits and giggles, I will actually throw in a pair of granny panties as part of the prize. I’m so wild. Do you like grannie panties? Thongs? No panties? Do tell.

A reminder as to what Don’t Cholula Yourself means: When I worked at The Newsroom Cafe in West Hollywood for 800 years- terrible waitress, great with people- I’d repeatedly wake in the middle of the night, “Oh My God! TABLE 32 ASKED FOR CHOLULA And I NEVER GOT IT For Them!” Did I wait on you? Did I forget your Cholula? Your fork? Your food order? Are you mad at me?

If there’s any part of you that thinks you may regret something-aka wake at 3 a.m. in cold sweats with “I wish I woulda” -then do the THING. Avoid this awful feeling.

If you think you may Cholula yourself² on this, I suggest getting on this Ridiculously Amazing Offer™³ asap.

When is the last time you Cholula’d yourself?

This is not for anyone who is struggling to keep the lights on or with basic needs etc. If that is the case, reach out and I’ll comp you to my Substack as a paid subscriber, so that you can attend all the workshops. I will always do what I can, when I can. I got you. If you can preorder one, I bow down in gratitude. Five is just icing on the cake and a way to support me AND an indie bookstore, but do not put yourself in dire straits for this.

The Giveaway To End All Giveaways:

🎉 I’m giving away 2 (!!) spots at my Ojai retreat October 2-5²
💆‍♀️ A massage that will make your muscles cry tears of gratitude
📚a LIFETIME subscription to my Substack (a.k.a. my brain, delivered to your inbox, forever) and granny panties, which I have no emoji for.

Are you entering the giveaway? I am so excited for this!

No, this is not a fever dream either. It's a very real, very generous (possibly delirious due to my lack of sleep lately) giveaway to support something even more endangered than my sanity: an indie bookstore. You know, those magical places that smell like old paperbacks and revolution?

Indie bookstores are vanishing faster than polite Twitter debates. I mean, Twitter doesn’t even exist anymore, so oye vey, we better hurry! I want to do something to support these beloved bookstores and April 26 is National Indie Bookstore Day. Every entry supports Vroman’s! (I am doing an in-person event there July 9 too, with Henry Czerny, my former guy.)

Look, bookstores are the only thing standing between us and a world where people think TikTok is literature. (I have never figured out how to use TikTok and I keep hearing You should be on BookTok, Jen. Help me! What even is this world?)

What to do:
👉 Buy 5 copies from Vroman’s here. Then, email jennifer@jenniferpastiloff.com screenshot of receipt.
👉 Tell your friends, your grandma, your weird coworker who hoards bookmarks and hot sauce
👉 Save the bookstore. Save your back. Save your inbox from boredom. Save The Planet. Save Ferris.

Vroman’s Books is an amazing indie bookstore in Pasadena, Ca. I’m doing a signed book campaign with them, which means your copies will all be signed, so even if you don’t win the retreat/massage, you are support a bookstore (Oh, my heart- it is such an act of karma and doing love) and… you’ll have extra copies of Proof Of Life what will be signed. Signed books make really special gifts.

Contest ends May 2 at 6 pm pst. Winners picked 7 pm pst on May 2.

You immediately get a paid lifetime subscription to this Substack after you send me the email.

I’m doing a ton of workshops and events free to “paid” subscribers (such as yourself, should you enter the contest or care to become a paid subscriber.) Maybe you are already a paid patron? Patron sounds fancier to this fancy wannabe Granny. (I could be a granny, but I had my kid when I was 41, so, instead of being a granny I have an almost 9 year old.)

The ITG are made up anyway.

The ITG = Imaginary Time Gods. They can also suck it.

The winner will be chosen live on my Substack on May 2 at 7 pm pst by my son Charlie Mel. He’ll draw 2 names from a hat. I said what I said: two names. That means your chances are greater.

You can enter twice, of course, if you go crazy and preorder 10.

Also folks, get the book WHEREVER YOU CAN. If you choose to support an indie bookshop, that is great. But truly, get it anywhere. Click here or on Emily’s amazing blurb below to order the book from anywhere you want! (Em and I will be in convo July 15 at Powell’s in Portland.

In fact, through April 25th, Barnes and Noble is offering 25% off!

Premium Members at B&N get an additional 10% off!

If you preorder PROOF OF LIFE at BN.com, you’ll save 25% with code PREORDER25. Here’s a link to copy and paste if you want to send to anyone you loves a little discount action: bit.ly/4hnbuct

My retreats are life-changing. Settle down- not just because of me. They are magical an life-changing because of the people who show up. Because of you! And, because of, I don’t know- whatever fairy dust gets sprinkled while we’re there, because some fairy dust sure as shit does get sprinkled. They’re epic. Ask anyone (especially the people who come again and again and again.) I will never be able to explain them in words. You’ll have to experience the magic yourself. (Italy is almost full. Sep 13-20. Email to apply. same with Ojai, if you are not entering contest.)

I host virtual things here as you know, and although they are not the same as in-person events, they are pretty darn close.

We have 2 sessions this weekend: Sat 4/26 at 11 am pst is The Art Of Receiving with Katie Hendricks. The and password will be sent out to paid subscribers for this. The is only for paid subscribers. There are two more next weekend, too.

Sunday at 11 am pst: a virtual “brunch” for everyone- free and paid subscribers. It’s to connect and laugh and cry and vent and write and listen and eat and anything else… It’s called Weirdos For Life. Zoom info is below. I do hope you come and meet the fam. Bring bagels. Also, Sunday happens to be my beloved daddy’s and not a day goes by where I don’t miss that mensch.

To note: All of my retreats are only for weirdos- if you’re still reading, you are one- and you must have a sense of humour. At least a slight one. By attending, you sign an invisible Don’t be An Asshole contract. That namely means: don’t be an asshole to yourself, which is the hardest person to not be an asshole to, imho.

Sunday’s Zoom Gathering For Everyone:

Topic: Weirdos Unite Awkard Family Brunch

Time: Apr 27, 2025 11:00 AM Pacific Time (US and Canada)

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/83382612671?pwd=aSyAz03EKToKKzuftBGJPBcU4QCbzg.1

Meeting ID: 833 8261 2671

Password: Weirdo

I love you. Talk to me. How are you? What are you reading/watching? What feels good? What doesn’t? What are you excited about? What day is it? What’s for dinner?

1. What are some words or phrases you hate? Let us know in the chat, k? K thanks!

2. For reference, this intimate retreat goes for $2,220 and a massage is $150, plus a lifetime paid subscription to this weirdo Substack….it’s a Pretty Sweat Deal. Airfare is not included, should you need to fly to the retreat.