What Is Ours To Carry
Tomorrow's virtual retreat, a little poetry, how to unsubscribe from emails like you've been alive for 5 minutes and have never used email, my TED talk, and a book and a movie that both made me weep.
What Is Ours To Carry
On my body I carry ghosts.
I don’t recommend getting close.
You’ll want to ask how they became
dead people on my shoulders.
They will not answer.
I speak for them as they are mine to carry.
Etchings to mark times I was bad,
so many, my heart the shape of rivers.
Bad in the way we say Dunno when we do.
Want was missing not the how.
Filthy little liars maybe
but we were not bad.
We just didn’t have courage yet to say what was true.
I hate that I keep picking
the 5 of Coins Tarot card every single time
so I do what we do when
we don’t want to see what’s there,
I pretend
it’s 5 of Hearts and add them to my own
to make my love bigger, big enough
to swallow a city or mistake.
I even swallow myself-
old habit, hard to break, but
look: there’s still love left.
The extra hearts give me courage to say what was true.
I’m afraid I don’t want to be in this marriage anymore,
but I’m afraid to be without, afraid
I’ll turn to ghost.
Afraid still,
but I’m here, didn’t disappear
from letting go of what I thought I didn’t get to.
I get to put it down so I do.
That which is no longer mine to carry.
And it’s not all gone.
Look: there’s still love left.
Hi hi. I am taking a break from working on the book to send you a quick note to remind you of tomorrow’s virtual retreat. It’s called ALLOW and it’s just wonderful. I need a hug and since we can’t all hug in person let’s so it virtually? I am craving community like a mofo. If you are too, come.
It’s the last thing I’m doing for a while because I am on a tight deadline and I am giving my all to this next book. As I shared the other day, I cancelled my in-person retreat next month to Ojai, but I still have my Italy retreat September 14-21.
I hope you’ll come tomorrow to my last little hurrah! Also, it is National Poetry Month. So, let’s do this. If you think you’re a shit writer, great. It’s for you. (You’re not a shit writer.) If you think you are awkward, great, it’s for you. (You probably are. I am.) If you are broke, great, it’s for you (just email me and ask and I will get you in. Weirdo.) If you identify as a weirdo, like me, it is most def for you. Anyway, sign up here. Tomorrow at 11 am-2 p pst (2-5 est.) Zoom. Heaven.
It’ll be recorded too in case you can’t get there or need to leave early. Email if you need scholarship help. You must know by now I do not kid about that. If you want to sponsor someone, well, that is amazing, ya mensch. Venmo or Paypal me with a note that says I got you (or weirdo.) Venmo is jennifer-pastiloff (0172) and PP is jenniferpastiloffinfo@gmail.com.
I’m making this post a freebie too because I am feeling the love and because I keep feeling afraid so I figure if I stay connected to abundance that will help.
The best was I know to create abundance and enoughness is to BE it.
So, I am letting it flow. If you are not a paid subscriber though, and you can, will you? It helps so much. Or, become a founding member and I will be so so so stupid happy you have no idea. It’s a little extra and it goes a long way. If you are a paid peep, consider gifting a gift subscription. The School of Whatever Works. Anyway, keep going. I got you.
I’ve been thinking about what we carry that we don’t need to be carrying. What we think is ours, but isn’t. What maybe was ours, maybe never was. what we think we didn’t get to put down. What comes up for you?
How about putting down shame that isn’t yours? Old stories? Relationships?
Anyway, we’ll do some writing around this tomorrow but for tonight begin to get curious about your own stuff you’re carrying around like it’s your burden to bear. Like you don’t have a choice. (Sometimes we don’t. I know this.) But mostly, we do.
I have never worked harder on anything than I am on my book (also called Proof of Life.) My eyes are blurry and I have a headache but I’m doing the thing. I cannot wait for you to have it in your hands. Obviously, I wrote the above poem. Man, divorce is a motherfucker.
What else? How are you? Any hot plans for the weekend besides hanging with me and the weirdo crew tomorrow?
What are you reading? Watching?
I am reading an advanced copy of Carvell Wallace’s book Another Word For Love and holy mother of memoirs- it is so fucking gorgeous. Pre-order now. You will thank me. This guy. Jesus, he takes my breath away. (Not Jesus, I’m talking about Carvell. I’m a Jew, I don’t know squat about Jesus. I’m not a very good Jew, but still. I’m Jew-ish.) Also, pre-orders are so important for an author!
I did the painting in the above photo with his book the other day. Can you see it says “it’s okay to leave?” If you look closely, you’ll that there are actual leaves in it. Leaves fell into the paint and I left them. I often let the painting tell me what it is. I let it emerge and then follow it wherever it takes me.
I watched a film that left me breathless. Starred Hot Priest (Andrew Scott) from Flea Bag. Ugh. He’s so good. What is it about him? That vulnerability. And Paul Mescal is in it, who also blows me away. It’s called All Of Us Strangers. It moved me to my core. I watched it twice.
I will share what I posted on Instagram the other day after I shared my last very vulnerable Substack. Notice the beautiful irony of the two emails coming in at the same time. It is also a lesson in HOW NOT TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM EMAILS. Here it is:
It’s always going to be this way.
We will never please everyone.
And yet.
We try. Not consciously, but it sure as shit still stings. Does for me.
Luckily it only stings for a brief period of time.
A quote I live by is by Freud. “How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved.”
There’s also one by Jen Pastiloff: “How wimpy and sad we get when we are sure of being hated.”
😝
Does this person hate me? No. Yes. Maybe. Probably. Who cares. Or, It’s worse than I think & they’re not even thinking about me at all. Doesn’t matter. DOES NOT MATTER.
This visual cracks me up. The two emails came in right next to each other one followed by the other. Too perfect.
I got hooked by the first one. Of course. 🤷♀️
Still human, no matter how hard I try.
It’s hard to put yourself out there out feel rejected.
I think it’s excellent practice to find the humor in things (one of my life’s missions) and when I look at these two emails side-by-side, I have to laugh.
First I said “ouch.”
We (I) have to remember that we are our own proof of life. Boom! See what I did there.
We don’t need anyone else’s validation or approval to be worthy or have value. If we let that be the case, we’re screwed.
I did after seeing that first email for a few minutes, then I was able to laugh and find my center again.
Sidenote: I find it curious the choices we make sometimes.
Example: the lack of kindness in this email. I’m a person, not a robot. And it was in reply to such a vulnerable email. Thing is, there was no need to personally email me.
I do my best to choose kindness. That email reminds me to double down on that. I can’t change other people but I can my own.
If we’re going to put ourselves out there- and we must- I’m not talking about being a “public figure” or anything like that either, I’m talking being a person in the world.
Being open is putting yourself out there. Being a person is putting yourself out there, unless you hide from the world all day.
If you’re going to do put yourself out there aka be a person (please do) you put yourself at risk to get rejected and hurt and not liked and disappointed
but also
you put yourself at risk for: love and beauty and delight and joy and inspiration and connection.They all go hand-in-hand.
I can avoid rejection and stop sending emails out, stop writing my book.
I will not do that.
I always say we have two options only in life. Keep going or shut down.
Watch me keep going.
You too: keep going.
P.S. you can unsubscribe yourself from emails. Duh. You click a link and voila, the person never has to know. It takes two seconds. You never ever have to announce your departure like you are an airport.
Thank you for coming to my TED talk.
Amazingly, right after I posted that,
showed up in my inbox. Love you, my friend.. I’ll always slink the slinky. Be sure to check out their upcoming live shows and follow Andrea if you’re not already.This image and quote was one of the things at the bottom of Andrea’s Substack and it struck me like a bolt of lightning right through the heart and fell to my knees with gratitude and I know I’m being dramatic but my God may I remember to do love.
When I get to the end of my life and I ask, “What have I done?” Let my answer be: I have done love.
When I get to the end of my day, when I get to the end of my ANYTHING, may I have done love.
In fact, when I get to the start of it.
When I wake up.
When I take my first breath.
My last.
I have done love I have done love I have done love I have done love I have done love I have done love I have done love I have done love I have done love.
May I remember. May we ALL remember.
Okay, that’s enough for now. I love you. See you tomorrow, I hope.
I did not cancel Italy so if you want to join that retreat Sep 14-21 email me now. I think I have a couple open spots. Now I am hungry for pasta. Bye! Ugh, send me all the foooooooooood.
Laughing and loving — keep at it! ❤️
Love every bit of you to bits. Have a great workshop today xo